The Words Your Words Could Be Like

WOW guys! I can't believe I only have four months to go till boot camp!

that's four down and four to go since I got my ship out date back in August...

March 7th, 2011. or 20110307 is the date which i've been assigned to leave my world as I know it and enter the life of a military man. A Marine.

This carries a lot of weight for me as BOTH my father AND my mother were Marines, as well as my uncle. I could give you their backstory but I don't have a lot of time to type this, but I just wanted to say how excited I am for these final months to pass by... slowly of course.

I aim to cherish every moment I have left.

Josh

Ok so here I am again at my computer with so much to say but with a limited imagination to say it with...

my imagination was stolen from me by this fucking thing called "Reality"... May it burn in hell..
all in favor of me writing a long epic web comic of me on a quest to get my reality back say AYE.

*inhale*

pause a second...

*exhale*

Ok so as i've mentioned i like this girl at Guitar Center. well ive come to find out she has a boyfriend who happens to work with her. so that takes care of that. but she's told me that he's a bit of a douche so.... ugh.. i shouldnt be thinking this. My mind is on my girlfriend whom i love more than anything.... and im not saying that to save my ass for when she reads this. she knows it and she knows i want to marry her. but let me stop talking about that whole situation.. something happier maybe?

I got an xbox 360 last week along with Ace Combat 6 and Halo: Reach! If you want to add me on xbox live my gamertag is Invictus Nuntis, but i'm hoping to change it soon... for some reason i dont like it.... maybe it's my character as an ever changing man in this hectic heavy-duty life.

my heroin and drug addicted cousin has a new infant child and is continuing to fuck his life up by shooting up and just generally being and asshole and playing games with everyone...

on top of that, i heard that my closest friend was in a car accident and in critical condition but someone turned out to be fucking with the kid who told me and causing a big panic between everyone.... but everyone from that is safe. my cousin is in the hospital from his drug abuse, my mother is beyond vivid right now because he keeps fucking with her when shes sticking her head out for him.

i just need to hang out with friends now... wether it be ones i see every day, or ones i havent seen in a while. I just need some memories that are good to replace these bad ones.. I need someone to talk to. I need to stop making such a big deal in my head about everything.. mostly things that NO ONE else cares about... really.

*sigh* oh well... let me go eat.... ugh that's another thing... i need to start eating and sleeping better than i am now..


well.. bye..

Josh

I meant to journal this yesterday but I've had a shitty internet connection lately and I'm lucky to have gotten on tonight!

listen, just fuck the world right now and until I can get my life straight.

So on the way to work yesterday my mother asks out of the BLUE why I'm just such an asshole to everyone all the time. "So, why do you have such a shitty attitude?" she says... of course I'm confused as to why she would ask this...

Long story short on that one, apparently I'm an asshole ALL the TIME... oh! and ONLY to my family, and even the ones that i never talk to can apparently hear it over the phone... well fuck i wish i could be so observant of peoples attitudes over the phone! just FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! that's my mood right now...

ugh.. people are assholes.. including me, i know i can be an asshole. but all the time? I think -- i KNOW i'm not an ass ALL the time.

I just put on a playlist of angry music, said "fuck the world right now" and started typing.


I just need to VENT... I just wish certain people in my like would understand that as much as i TRY to pass as an invincible rock of a person, I'm still just a human... I think.. and people wonder why I think I'm a monster. It's because I am. I'm an asshole to them all the time and can do anything right for them, so why should I even try?

I'll tell you fuckers who doubt me why I put up with HALF the shit i do! It's for ME, my girlfriend, and my insane curiosity of what's to come.

I do it for me, I do it because when no one else wants to be my friend, and it seems even God has turned his eyes from me, I still can sit in a room with my own presence surrounding me. I feel somewhat unstably safe in that presence. I get to a certain point where I say "fuck everyone, just leave me alone in this room." and you do.... gladly. Because I'm a whining little emo bitch. I'm just a flaming douchebag to you guys aren't I? fuck.. you..

I do it for my girlfriend. I do it because through every mountain and valley, she has been there to comfort me even when I'm all alone in my own little room in my head, she will be the one to open the door and come comfort me and hold me tight and say "everything will be ok, just tell me how to help." She has literally saved me from the brink of suicide... multiple times. and she may never know until we talk about it next, but it's such sad subject that we dont talk about it... so it'll be a while.

I do it for my insane curiosity of what's to come. When i was born, I believe i was blessed with a curiosity beyond my own comprehension. Not only has my girlfriend saved me from suicide, but every time I feel like ending my life, I get so curious as to what would people do or say if i did it. I dont fear what they say, I just want to KNOW! I just want to know how the world would carry on (probably quite well) without me...

as i've been told before by people... "Jeeze your life is fucked up josh..." well yeah, it has been since i was born.

I'm not even supposed to be alive right now. My mother was told to have an abortion or else I would die, she would die, or both.... but that's what blessings are called when we are both still breathing.

But either way.... I still grew up to be a raging asshole to my family, with no sense of respect. but hey, who are they to say that I'm an asshole!?

THEY HAVE NOT YET SEEN THE ASSHOLE I CAN BE..... If they want to, all they have to do is keep complaining and I'll show then just what an asshole looks and sounds like. then i'll go back my normal self and they'll probably say how much i've matured. because assholes don't see assholes.... like doesnt see alike. assholes see everyone different in the world, then point out how those different people are assholes. fuck them. fuck me, fuck my life...


you know what? just.. fuck it.

Josh

You can look at music on a sheet of paper. What does it mean to you?

You can listen to music in concert, in your home or even in your head. But what does it mean to you?

You can write music, perform music, mix and mash and destroy music.

But what
does
it
MEAN?

To me, music is the extension of one's self when one can not put what they're feeling into words. I create, perform, mix, mash, destroy, and rebuild music. I do this because it is what I FEEL on the inside. In my soul is where my feelings lie. To my fingers are where my feelings flow. To your ears and brain are where my feelings are processed by you and for a split second, on some level... you get me.

You feel what I feel, you think how I think and we are one... but only for that split second in which the vibrations in the air are perceived as sound by your brain....

Anywhere on any level past that, that's all it is to you: Sound. It doesn't matter if you like it or not, all you hear is sound. I'm the one with the feelings. I'm the one who put the time, blood, sweat, tears, effort, and emotion into creating the song. I know why I wrote it.

I also know why you're listening.

You listen because you feel too. You think and feel by just the same process as me. Though our ideals and justifications are processed differently (i.e. one could be pro-life and the other pro-abortion), the same process happens to get there. We perceive light and sound in our mind and those signals are processed in our brains to give our neurons other signals. These signals are perceived as emotions....

Everyone
has
emotions.

Emotions some of which one can not rightly explain with words or actions.... then comes a third method: Music.

Wether you play Guitar, Piano, Piccolo, Violin, Tuba, Drums or create the music on computer software, it gets created by you, for you, for others.

and why?

Because you feel. It means something to you. It's important enough for you to want to express it and sometimes share it.

That's my meaning of music.... speaking of which, I'm going to write a song now..... Catch you later.

Josh

Up down kolindle me asunder kampf. the senslesness is completion of clicking your remote have nots. islands of praise in the sky among faulty foundations of cleanliness... keen keen keen senses of foresight did not forsee this coming. YOU BETTER BE SORRY! you are worthless you peace of maggot scum.stand up STRAIGHT i said! now bow down. give me 50! your time is up. vibratioins from the underworld tell me im drowning. distractions from above say you can not float to KFC for dinner. you must crawl on your knees. no hands. just her hand. all yours. but nevermind that now. you will have what is yours according to God. ....

*bleep*

*bleep*

BOOM

tedious and unwavering hardship just to get this box of goodies, all wrapped in one sandy haired package. she knows, dont wait any longer..
five minutes remain in your test protocall asignment meeting. you cant wait to get the hell out of the woods. alive, and alone for all to see, soon to be met by your dreams. five more minutes.. plus at least a month. your gift will only be accepted at the right time... too soon and its pushed away like two opposing magnets. too late and your chance is missed in the worst way. someone might come steal your treausure.... your precious precious treasure.... all yours.. and she knows it. she knows... in the back of her mind. she knows EXACTLY whats coming.. but she refuses to accept it....
can you decipher which she is she? and which is not yours, i can.
quick close the portal! no! DISTRACTION! he comes and steals the train.... gray and silver flash and it is done, gone...yup.

Sorry for misleading you if you thought this was a story about losing my virginity. That will come later.

This.... this line of words is my first entry on what seems to be a promising way to convey every thought in my private life.... just me and whoever I want to read.

Here's hoping.

Josh